sparrowl's Journal
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Today I was reading an article from http://www.spiritonthejob.com, which is a website started by some of the people I know from spirituality.com, and came across a statement that got my attention:
“What happens to a woman in mid-life when, after dedicating years to building and maintaining a successful, high-level career, she awakens suddenly to the belief that her work is no longer acceptable or positive for her, and that it no longer makes sense for her to continue?”
Since working at TMC, I have been in what I could describe as a professional state of wandering. At that organization, I was a very good manager and leader, and successfully held a position of high esteem and pay for a significant period of time (4 years). Just the fact that I held that position and the way I performed in it probably made me feel like my life at that time had direction, goals, and a high achievement level, compared to my current state, which seems without direction.
For me to walk away from that position without re-defining new goals for myself, and to accept lesser responsibilities, glory and pay, no doubt seemed dumb to some people. However, to me, I felt so right about that change. I couldn’t describe why it was right for me, but I felt very deeply that it was at the time, and I still feel that same way today. I don’t regret that in the least. In fact, I feel it was a stand I made for myself that I am proud of.
So the next question comes, that maybe I needed a break from management/leadership, and after having a break, why shouldn’t I go back to it? After all, every job has its ups and downs, whether they are management jobs or not. At least with management jobs you get more pay.
I also ask myself if it is a matter of confidence? When I consider that question, I respond that I know I could function very well in a management or any leadership role, now or in the future. The reason I have no interest in such is that I have already tried a management role, and it sucked. Since then, I have observed good and bad managers in several organizations and have also determined that management for them sucks as well (in my opinion, although maybe they like it for some reason). I contend that if there’s one thing I learned from my 4 years in management, it’s that management is a role in an organization that I did not enjoy and do not wish to seek out again. This has nothing to do with what I think about my abilities. It’s about my individual happiness.
So, getting back to the original point, earlier in my career, I sought business accomplishment as a means to professional satisfaction. I learned enough to know I should get out of it, which I did.
But what have I learned that I want to get “into”? What would be positive for me professionally and personally now or in the future? And how do I find this out?
Some ideas for me to consider:
• Brainstorm businesses that I would want to be a part of
•Brainstorm positive experiences I’ve had professionally to determine common threads
• Brainstorm what I wish I had in my current career position
I think the point of this whole post is that I feel I understand one little element of the whole puzzle, which is that it was OK for me to leave management. And it’s OK that initially after this change, it’s OK not to have a firm idea of direction. But I do need to determine what I think would make me happy, and then make it happen.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
This morning I found myself reminiscing about working at The Mother Church. But my thoughts were not focused on the “job” part of “working” there, but rather several activities that I found meaningful while working there.
The first was when I did the “church administrator” role. In a way, this is the most unglamorous position in the world. You could almost describe it as church janitor. I was the person who came in after tour guides left, and, starting 2 hours before the church service was to begin, I circled through the entire building taking down tour stanchions and directional signs and preparing everything in the building for the service – lighting, sound system, doors unlocked, church service signage out, etc. The entire process would take a good hour-and-a-half just because it was a big building, and then another hour after the service to shut everything down again. It was a very solo job, very quiet, and behind the scenes kind of work. I often prayed during these setup hours, and felt I was contributing to making the service a healing services – for the congregation and even for the public not attending church, the church’s community, if you will.
The second activity I was thinking about was similar in terms of being solo, quiet, and behind the scenes. It was my technical support for the Bible Lesson Committee. This was actually a small part of my paying job. Once a month, the six members of the Bible Lesson Committee traveled to Boston from their individual hometowns (around the country), and worked a full day from a conference room at TMC. During their lunch break, I would check in with each individually and fix anything not working well on their laptops (or sometimes it was more of a one-on-one training rather than actually fixing anything). What I liked about this work was that, #1, the committee members were some of the sweetest people I’ve ever worked with in an office setting. When they were in Boston for their one day a month, it was all about their Bible research and study, and they clearly loved doing that work. Occasionally someone would share with me about something they found inspirational in their research. I felt like I had a behind-the-scenes glimpse at the whole Bible lesson because of this work. And when I would read the Bible Lessons I felt even more of a fondness for the message, as a result of knowing the people who put them all together.
Today, what I wonder about is,… why did I like these two activities? I think that it may have been a combination of several things:
• I liked being in the position of a behind-the-scenes expert
• They were mainly solo activities, but when I did come in contact with people, they were extremely nice people
• They were very humble kinds of activities – quite invisible and not glamorous at all, but in a way, I cherished them as though they were of spiritual significance. The activities themselves were not of spiritual significance, but they were contributing to what I felt was important work.
So, I wonder if there is anything that would have similar pay-off for me now? Absolutely nothing comes to mind. I’ll have to think about that more.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Question posed to me:
How will you know when you receive clarity regarding spiritual journey/purpose?
Answer:
If I have been praying for direction on an issue and get a thought that calms me down, a thought that is accompanied by a feeling of love – for myself, for others, and for God – and a thought that is totally without fear, then I have learned to be willing to trust this thought. To me, thoughts and ideas that give me peaceful confidence to move forward are answers to prayer. I could just as easily call them instinct, or simply great ideas, but I actually believe they are more than simply my own great ideas. I believe they are God’s way of getting through to me when I’m seeking direction.
Let me give a few examples.
I know I’ve told you the story about how I shut myself in a closet while ironing (Alex was a kitten and she used to play with the cord on the iron, so I would step inside my walk-in closet to iron, but not shut the door all the way). Well one day I shut it too hard and locked myself in. I lived by myself and didn’t have a phone in my closet, so I was stuck in there. I tried forcing the door open, and began to look around for something I could use to beat on the wall to try to get a neighbor’s attention. I was scared. But then I thought I should pray, and once I calmed my thought, I got the idea to look around in the closet, and use what I had with me in the closet to get out. It was a simple thought that settled me down, cleared the fear, and led me to see a way out. One thing I had plenty of in the closet were coat hangers, and even though I’d never tried to open a door with a coat hanger I knew it could be done, so I used a coat hanger and got out.
When I was having a rough time at work last Fall, and wasn’t getting job offers from any of the interviews I was going on, I prayed for help, and the main idea I got was that the person at work who I kept thinking was the cause for all my problems… I needed to stop giving her control over my thinking, my experience, and my life. I needed to accept responsibility for my own experience, and make it what I wanted it to be. That is when I decided to tell T that I would no longer pick up her newspapers in the morning. I did it directly and without fear. And although that was only one step in my work situation improving, it was a key step for me.
And when we were first talking about moving to Texas, I felt interested, but not totally convinced that it was the right step for us. So, I prayed and simply felt a calm happiness about the possibilities that lay ahead. No huge answer, but it was enough to allow me to move forward with plans and feel good about them, even though a lot of important details remained to be determined.
So, that is what I mean by finding clarity about my purpose/spiritual journey. I want to feel a peaceful confidence of the next step(s). When I get thoughts accompanied by that kind of clarity, I will feel I can move forward with focus and confidence.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
Hey,
I haven't written in this journal in ages. Guess I've been busy with life, relationship, losing weight, playing football, losing my religion, etc.
I've been struggling with depression lately. It has to do with blowing out my knee, which means I'm not very mobile - I'm relying on crutches. So I can't do a lot of things for myself and my sweetie that I would normally do, so I feel useless and less than myself. I also don't have a prognosis yet, so I don't know how long I'll be in this state. (The unknown and not being in control has always been a problem for me.) And I also have to wonder if it serves me right for trying to play football. This was my first year attempting to play tackle football in the NWFA. I knew going in that it would be rough, and that a lot of people who play in this league end up injured. I heard many-a comment from friends, parents, acquaintances expressing concern that it was not safe to play, but I ignored them all. And honestly, at the moment, I do not regret playing. I have really had a blast, even though I only got to play in less than 3 games. So, my point is, I wonder if I *should* regret playing, or if I *should* have learned my lesson already. Because I really haven't. So, that makes me wonder if I've got some kind of self-destructive thing going on right now.
Thankfully, I'm not actually feeling down tonight. But I am wondering what it all means.
Current mood:  crushed Current music: REM "Losing My Religion"
Friday, September 17, 2004
Writing Exercise #1:
Many new writers tend to ramble on for 3 or 4 pages before getting to a "meaty" part of their story. However, if you read through many published pieces, you'll notice that many writers get right into their story.
Practice getting the reader hooked on your story as soon as possible by writing the first sentence to 10 different stories. No need to go beyond 1 sentence. Make your sentence one that will have your reader longing to get into the rest of your story.
-------------------------------
1. She navigated through the cubicle farm, unnoticed by all, as though invisible.
2. How is it that love would shred the fabric of society?
3. Ego-shaped piñatas are made for beating.
4. There is no one alive here, just profitable drones.
5. The ones she wanted so much to please could not bring themselves to say congratulations on this most happy occasion.
6. Would there ever be a place, community, or a group that would recognize who she was?
7. Sure, there is a rainbow banner outside the church building that
says "All Are Welcome," but an unspoken question lingers: "Can my soul
be saved?"
8. Admiring the tight spiral pass she’d just thrown, all of life’s concerns vanished.
9. She searched through her memory banks for anything that would indicate a life purpose—a defining moment or at least some hint of meaning—but there was nothing.
10. The tall, thin stranger, fascinated by the contents of the blue bucket, kept watch from afar.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Yield, by Indigo Girls
My interpretations…
Sounds like Amy tried to make a relationship work with someone who was not able to emotionally commit/yield/give in to love in order to let love’s work happen.
In the first verse, I picture a scene where Amy has shown up, and the other has not. The location is not Amy’s comfort zone—it is a scene of the other person’s family and friends. Yet Amy has made the effort, and put herself out there for the other. Amy’s act of love and courage is not returned.
In the second verse, Amy says she loves the other person, yet she knows the other won’t offer such a confession of love in return.
The chorus is about how the person gave Amy some kind of song and dance rejection. And also how the person’s friends (and ex-es) have all told her it’s not her fault and never is. It seems no one will tell this person the truth that she needs to let go and just love… to yield.
In the last verse, Amy feel rotten after their breakup. The other has taken off down the road, and Amy suggests that at some point down the road, she may get to the point of realizing that she was at least partly to blame, and gives the advice, “Take some time for yourself and learn to yield.”
The lyrics to Yield:
I was downstairs in the greenroom
waiting for you to appear.
I said hello to your family,
I said hello to your friends,
I said hello to this situation
that never yields.
Now its easy for me to tell you
that my love for you is real.
I once stumbled on these feelings,
I once stumbled on these words,
something you’ll never stumble on dear.
Oh you were so baroque,
all of those words,
just to tell me no.
And you were so softspoken
with all of the others
who said you weren’t broken,
they just let you go.
When you’re three days down the highway
and you’re looking like I feel;
if it takes a lot to keep it going,
if it takes a lot to keep it real,
take sometime for yourself and
and learn to yield.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
We got a kitten Friday. Of course all cat owners think theirs is the cutest kitten of all, but she is so cute! She's grey, very fluffy, and has deep blue eyes. She has a way of looking at you that makes her look very earnest.
The last time I had a kitten was when I brought Chloe home, and what I remember the most was how she constantly played and got into everything! I could no longer leave pens around the apartment as they would all end up under the refrigerator. I also couldn't leave a beverage out, as she would tip it over. I had a habbit of taking a glass of water to bed, and she discovered I'd get up promptly in the morning if she knocked it over.
One day I came home to find she'd tipped over my jewelry box and had placed--not scattered--each earring at various points throughout the apartment. I had quite a time finding them all! Also, I remember her attacking me throughout the night while I slept. I'd wake up with scratches on my arms and legs from her night-play. And one time I had some flowers in a vase in the apartment, and put them on the top of a 6-foot bookcase because I knew she'd knock the vase over if I left it within her reach. Somehow she managed to get up there in the middle of the night and knock the vase over!
This kitten is slowly getting more daring, but so far is much less trouble than any kitten I've ever had (and I come from a long line of cat pets). She's very much a lap kitty--she wants to sit in your lap or on your shoulder (even better) whenever you'll sit still long enough to let her snuggle in. She does play, and last night, she gave us a brilliant display of kitten frenzy, chasing after anything that moved. But overall she seems more of a snuggler than the play-hard type. This is quite ideal!
My Sweetie has not considered herself a cat person in the past, but this kitten is officially hers, and I've enjoyed watching her mother this kitten, try to teach it right from wrong, and in general, enjoy its company. :)
The kitten's name is Oscar, which is unusual for a girl. She's named after Oscar Wilde. So I guess I'll close by saying that I have nothing to declare except her cuteness.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
One of my former gymnastics students’ birthday is tomorrow. The class she was in was a Special Olympics Gymnastics class, and she attended the class 4 years. I sent her an ecard today, and this has made me feel sad, embarrassed, nostalgic, and also happy!
One of the leading thoughts behind these emotions was simply that I hadn’t written her at all since leaving Boston. Many in the class won’t remember me in the years to come, but she will. She had often said to me how surprised she was that her previous coach, Jocelyn who moved to DC had not kept in touch, even though promising she would. I also promised to keep in touch, although I suppose I knew at the time that I also would not. She is a very sweet girl, and was always more into the social aspect of being in the class than for the sport of it. So I just have this feeling that I too have disappointed her by not writing her since I left Boston last June. I wish I could find a way to communicate to her that even if I don’t write her regularly, I will never forget her, and that I will always remember the entire class, and especially her, very fondly.
The other primary thought relates to my own spiritual journey which is intertwined with coming out during the 4-5 years I coached the Special Olympics class. I found the class and the opportunity to be a volunteer coach at a time in my life when I wanted a career change, I wanted a love life, and I wanted a purpose for my life. I had risen to management status in my career—-a goal I had thought was so important, only to find it was transforming me into a person who was less patient, more spiteful, and very unhappy. The money was great, but that was the only thing. For several years I looked for other work, even applying for some extremely different types of jobs like social work, working as a nanny, and driving for UPS. While I got interviews, I wasn’t getting job offers, so I stayed in my manager position. I was so miserable. I can remember sitting in meetings trying to fill my head with happy, freeing thoughts that would take me away from the sour atmosphere of work. The only thoughts that could “take me away” were when I thought of myself coaching Special Olympics Gymnastics. When I was with the students, it was the one place where I felt free to be silly and to play. In the class, I’d try to figure out a game to play with each student to get them to really participate and try their hardest. With one student, it was pretending to be characters in the Lion King, who were climbing mountains and jumping streams. With others, it was to see who could do a skill better—the coach or the student. With the girl who turns 16 tomorrow, it was to get her to show a younger student how to do something new, or anything to put her in the position of being a teacher or a helper.
For whatever reason, during this class, I felt I got to know the students in more depth than the people I spent 40+ hours per week with, or anyone else in my life, for that matter. I sometimes felt when I looked at them and they looked at me, we understood each other with more depth—-like our walls were transparent to each other, and there was complete trust. This was brought out to me one time when one girl in the class wore a t-shirt with some famous Olympic gymnasts on it. She was having fun picking out which one was her “boyfriend”. She also picked the boyfriend for the other coach, and then picked a girlfriend for me. She said it so matter-of-factly and naturally, making me realize that even though I hadn’t come out to myself, my friends, or my family, she seemed to be able to see into my soul. And I felt the same way about many of the students in this class! It was a wonderful thing to have a safe place where I felt I was recognized as the person I really was and not some angry manager.
So maybe that’s part of the reason I’ve continued to feel some sort of bond with the students in this class. I hate to let go of it because it was so pure, so trusting, and so childlike.
So, I say with bitter-sweet feelings, Happy birthday Becky!
Monday, December 29, 2003
The office moved to a new building over the Christmas holiday, and today was our first day moving in. So I spent the day unpacking things that I packed up last week. I didn't have to use too many brain cells today. It's nice to have a day like this to unwind after the holidays.
Not that the holidays were such a chore--they were quite good, I think. I felt more at home than ever with Chanda's family. And my family visited from Florida. They seemed comfortable staying with us, but they were definitely quiet, which makes me wonder if maybe they weren't that comfortable.
Chanda suggested a few goals I could consider for the new year. I've never been one to make resolutions, but I might like to do it this year. The ones she suggested are:
- Play sports 3 times per week
- Quit the Coke drinking habit, at least long enough to prove I'm not addicted
- Write a business plan for opening a gay community store and research grants for women and GLBT businesses
- Write my parents letters regularly in order to try and help with communication.
The song in my head right now is Bangs, by TMBG. "Bangs, across your eyes your hair hangs. Below my mind your royal flyness, I dig your bangs."
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
The new song in my head is Mr. Grinch. I heard it on the radio. Just thought you'd like to know.
OK, here's the first post. I'm not sure why I'm such a reluctant journal-er. I'm at the office and we're all packing up. We're moving the day after Christmas, so everything has to be packed up. I work in a department that has an off-site manager, and I'm currently the only employee--albeit a temp employee, so I'm packing up the entire department. I've already packed up 2 offices, and am now on the misc file cabinets strewn all over the current building that are said to belong to "Marketing" (my department). So, that's all I'm doing at work for the majority of the week. Wee!
I always have songs in my head. They just play all day long on an infinite loop until another song, commercial jingle, etc moves in and takes over. Today it's "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas." It could be worse. It could be the theme song to Green Acres. Ugh, I hate that one.
I'm anticipating a very special Christmas this year, starting off with my Sweetie and I exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve in our new home, with our house decorated all festive. With spending tight, the gifts will be less expensive, but I think they'll be just as special if not moreso. After that, our holiday will be spent with family. First hers, and then mine. I'm much more comfortable with her family than I was last year, and am looking forward to the time with both families. My parents and brother are coming, and I really didn't expect them to, so that seems extra special as well. If that isn't enough, I get 4 days off from work! :)
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